"Making a living is not the same as making a life." ~ Maya Angelou (2024)

Making a living is not the same as making a life. ~ Maya Angelou

Within the 6+ decades of my life thus far, I have held more jobs than I care to count: from teaching piano and picking raspberries through high school; being a DJ and then station manager at my college radio station; selling fine jewelry and being an executive-assistant in early years; and later, recruiting, running conferences, providing career coaching to military members and TSA employees, training/speaking, serving at senior management levels, and running my own business. (Oh, and writing.) When I allow for some retrospect and reflection, it is clear that for many, many years, “making a life” never felt like an option when “making a living” was not only the priority, but incessant demand.

This assumes, of course, that making a living is only about a job and income. It’s definitely more: career, lifestyle, family responsibility that is financial, emotional, and relational. All the things that keep us living, going, and (hopefully) on track.

I am increasingly distant from the above, these days, given that I am no longer a fulltime parent, I live with my sister and her family, and because of such, have experienced a significant reduction in living expenses (and therefore, the pressure to earn). What I’m finding though, is that just because the pressure is not as intense as it once was in making a living, it is still a challenge to focus on making a life instead.

I’m sure that “making a life” means something distinct to every person who utters the words, but in a general sense, it seems to me that it includes the following: discerning how to use time, energy, and money in ways that have meaning; considering priorities, values, patterns, behaviors, and beliefs—and letting go of what no longer serves; seeing money/earning as a far smaller part of the bigger picture; and prioritizing the relationships that matter most. In condensed form, at least from where I sit, is about choices, whereas making a living is more often about requirements.

Oh, how those requirements are ingrained, though! When I choose to spend a whole day reading, I hear the voice within that tells me I’ve not worked hard enough—that I’m lazy. When I choose to not promote my client work because I want to maintain ample freedom on my calendar, I hear the voice within that asks me what the hell I’m thinking! When I choose to not write this weekly post (like last week) because I just can’t seem to come up with anything I feel strongly enough about and it’s hardly like I’m under contract or something, I hear the voice within that says, “But you have subscribers! Paid subscribers. Get on it!” And though I’m slightly loathe to even venture into the topic, social media is the place where I’m feeling this battle most acutely.

These days, every bit of social media—whether posting or scrolling—feels like it belongs in the “making a living” category. (Were there a “sucking the life out of me” category, that would be the most accurate.) Increasingly I am coming to believe that it is not remotely supportive of “making a life.” But it didn’t used to be this way . . . and that’s what keeps me somewhat hooked, I suppose. Fifteen years ago, when I started my online business, being engaged with social media was, of course, about promoting one’s work in the world but it felt like so much more. Guest posts. Blog rolls. Comments. Conversation. It all felt new and expansive and generative. It generously offered the unexpected gift of relationships. So much so, that I am still friends with women I met and connected with more than a decade ago. My life is richer and better because of them and I have social media to thank for that. But all of that feels like a very distant memory.

When I open up Facebook or Instagram now, I see more sponsored posts than those of friends. (I’m using “friends” loosely, given that probably 3/4 of them are people I do not actually know.) Products to buy. Programs that promise me that I’ll make a living and then some. People promoting and promoting and promoting. It’s exhausting. When I consider posting—deciding what to talk about, creating the language, crafting the visuals, scheduling it all—I viscerally feel my shoulders droop and hear an involuntary heavy sigh. And the questions I’m hearing within have shifted. Where once they might have been more similar to the above—pushing me to keep up, to follow the crowd, to do what’s seemingly requisite if one is trying to run an online business—now I hear far different ones: “Is this necessary? Does it make any difference at all? Does it matter, really?” Beneath those answers, I have an increasingly strong sense that little-to-none-of it is about “making a life.” In fact, more often than not, it detracts and distracts me from it, yanks me away from anything I could have done instead that would have been far more valuable, worthy, restorative and even remotely important. I understand the addiction, the dopamine hit, the increasing data that explains why we’re hooked. And I know that social media is *just* a tool, but still.

“If something is a tool, it genuinely is just sitting there waiting patiently. If something is not a tool it’s demanding things from you. It’s seducing you. It’s manipulating you. It wants things from you. . . . Social media isn’t a tool that’s just waiting to be used. It has its own goals and its own means of pursuing them by using your psychology against you.” ~ From the Netflix Documentary The Social Dilemma

I know this, too. I feel it. And I don’t like. it.

Here’s the thing: Were I to use Maya Angelou’s words as a form of discernment, my decision would be clear: choose what makes a life, brings life, sustains and strengthens life.

Now that I think of it, I’ve had to make this choice before.

When I was close to ending my marriage, I finally got to the place where I could see my particular circ*mstances, frustrations, and heartaches with clarity and courage—in part, because my Spiritual Director at the time kept asking me one specific question: “When you think about this situation, Ronna, does it move you toward life or death?” And then one more question that was far harder to answer: “Which will you choose?” The whisper, barely discernible at first, but later, far louder said, “Choose life. Choose life. Choose life.”Eventually, I did. That decision (and many that have followed) was not without consequence, but it was clear. There was no second guessing. I was certain, focused, and determined.

I have to believe that the same clarity and courage is possible when applied to this “making a living” vs. “making a life” decision—whether related to clients and earning, my calendar, my writing, and most definitely social media. I can ask the same questions: “When you think about this situation, Ronna, does it move you toward life?” And . . . “What will you choose?”

I get it: choices like these are complex, individual, circ*mstantial, particular. But beyond such, deep in my bones, I don’t want to not choose making a life. Ultimately, it’s all that matters.

In the meantime and along the way, I’m relatively sure I’ll continue to vacillate and argue with myself and waver on my convictions. I’ll hope to extend myself grace as I stumble and fall and wander and wobble. Perhaps it’s enough, at least right now, to just keep asking myself, “What will you choose?” Or maybe even more concise, “Will you choose?” Because I can. Because I want to. Because it matters . . . making a life.

May it be so.

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Since we’re on the topic of social media and promotion, I can quickly admit that I have not been very consistent in that regard where my book is concerned. Published and out in the world for just over four months now, I still feel the way I did the day it was released: proud, grateful, and always desirous that the stories I tell and the women within them might speak to your story in ways that invite healing and hope. Learn more about Rewriting Eve and buy your copy today—paperback, ebook, and audiobook—wherever books are sold.